Sunday, June 21, 2009

Daddy

So this is my (Jaynah's) first entry to The Morgan Mantra. Andrew has been on me for awhile to contribute to our blog and I have resisted mainly because I am neither the writer or communicator that my husband is. However, I felt that this was an appropriate time to make an appearance due to subject matter and the fact that Andrew is about to become very busy but that will not stop our many fans (ie, our mothers ;) from wanting the blog updated. With that warning out of the way....here we go:

The term "daddy" has always held special meaning for me. I don't know at what point a father or "dad" becomes "daddy" and most likely this is entirely a southern term, but in my family it is just what dads are called. From the earliest age of remembrance there was a saying that stuck out to me regarding fathers. It was printed on a frame that sat in our living room. It was a wooden frame that had a picture of me and my dad on one side and the other stated: "Anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a daddy." Now as a little girl I didn't understand that not everyone had fathers like mine, but I was smart enough to know that mine was special enough to be called daddy. My daddy was one of those men that you could only know a small part of him from looking at him. He was a big man, strong and quiet to most that approached him. However, to those of us who were lucky enought to be close to him...he was so much more. I was the firstborn and I was his little girl from day 1. My mom laughingly tells the story of how up until the day I was born, my dad would say..."Hamby's don't have girls" and how surprised he was when I arrived on that day. It didn't take him long to adjust....I was "Daddy's little girl from that day on." I remember so many things about my daddy that I could share (and take up hours of your time to read) but I will simply say that my daddy loved me in a way that gave me confidence. He never let a day go by without telling me he loved me at least once (usually many more). He never let even the simpliest right decision made by me go by without telling me he was proud of me, and he told me often that I could do or be whatever I wanted.  I always remember the worst part of being punished by my daddy was the dissapointment in his eyes. Don't think my dad did all these things himself....my mom is an amazing woman who has taught me more than I can ever say, but there is something about a daddy/daughter relationship that defines how a girl sees herself. For me, he made sure that I saw myself as beautiful, confident, and unstoppable. For that, I will always be grateful.

April 3, 2005, I lost my dadddy. Many of you know the story, many I'm sure don't, but the main point is that it was sudden, completely unexpected, and devastating to my entire family. It was a month before my wedding day and a time that was supposed to be the happiest of my life suddenly became the hardest I could ever imagine. I don't bring this up to talk about the sad things, but to say that it defined another major relationship in my life...the one with my future husband. Andrew and I started dating in high school and we went through the typical struggles that any two people together that long go through....trouble with friends, jealousy of other girls/guys, communication difficulties, the transition to college, etc. I never imagined spending my life with anyone but Andrew and when he asked me to marry him, I couldn't have been happier. Neither of us imagined the loss of my daddy or how it would affect us, but it showed me a side of my husband that I will forever be thankful for. I often wonder what those first few months of marriage would have been like without the loss hanging over us. Andrew was given a huge duty of being there for me; there were many days that I would burst into tears at the smallest things and he often found me crouched in some part of our house crying my eyes out. He never once got mad, he never once gave me a look that said get over it, he always just held me and told me he was there for me. Never have I been so sure of our relationship that during those times.

If you read this blog, you know our pregnancy story; We wanted kids, we had a plan, our plan didn't work. If you are a woman wanting a baby and it doesn't happen it's not easy. It feels unfair every time you hear of someone becoming pregnant and every baby you see brings you to the brink of tears. It wasn't easy for me but once again, my husband was up to the challenge. He never made me feel it was my fault and he never let me believe we wouldn't end up with a baby. Once again, you know the story....it finally happened for us and we began the best journey of our life. He was there for me during the early weeks of sickness, he was there when we were faced with our baby having a genetic disease, he was there when every visit to the specialist presented another "slight problem." I went to the doctor at least once a week almost the entire pregancy and even though he was still finishing up med school, Andrew was at every one. I love being a mom; it is a joy I could have never imagined but my favorite part is watching my husband become a daddy. Every time I look at my daughter I am so thankful for her father. I smile when I catch them both asleep with little smiles on their faces and when nothing else will calm her down, laying on daddy's chest will. I can't wait for Andrew to experience all the things that daddies and daughters do and I am so thankful that he was in my life long enough to see my relationship with my dad and realize how much a father defines a daughter's life. I have no doubt he will be a hands-on dad; he already is. He doesn't blink an eye when a diaper needs changing, a bottle needs to be given, or a heavy carseat needs to be lifted. He has walked Peyton at night more times than I can count and when we are both exhausted, he sends me to bed saying "I'll take this shift." He's about to become very busy but I have complete confidence in knowing every free moment will be spent loving his little girl (and the dog, with hopefully a little left over for mom!) I can't wait to see what the future holds for our family and I pray that Peyton will realize what a treasure she has in her daddy. I pray that the two of them will share all the things I missed sharing with my daddy....walking down the aisle, college graduation, the birth of her own children, and the birth of her children's children. 

Daddy, I miss you more than words can describe and I wish more than anything you were here to hold your sweet granddaughter. I know you would be a better grandfather than you were a father which is hard to imagine :)


Andrew, you are the love of my life and I have only fallen deeper in love with you over the past few weeks. You are an amazing father and I look forward to experiencing the joys of raising this little girl with you. Happy First Father's Day. I love you.






4 comments:

katealtmix said...

ahh, the tears are flowing. such a sweet, sweet post. love you guys.

April said...

Yeah Jaynah, you're totally not a communicator/writer like Andrew. (Whatever!!!) I am reading this post at work and I am literally wiping the tears from my eyes. Actually I had to stop reading THREE times and go do something else and come back to finish. I work in an ER---crying is NOT an acceptable behavior. I love reading your blog...I feel like our relationships have taken very similar paths. (You guys just beat us to the kids part...don't tell our parents!) Don't worry about residency. Because your relationship with each other is important to both of you...you will continue to have (make) time. :) Happy Father's Day Andrew!

Becca said...

This is so sweet! Happy first father's day!

T-Dizzle said...

Yup...a lot of tears! I bet this meant so much to Andrew. What an amazing mother and wife and encourager you already are!
-Trisha